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See also 22.2 Marriage p.715.

Arranged marriages can be superior to finding ones own soul mate in many cases. Parents are less likely to be blinded to a potential matche’s (shiduch’s) family background, than one in the relationship. Ironically, even if both people are a match in every other way, family background indicates the likely degree of stability and commitment through the rolling waves that accompany every marriage.

This is the prayer to find ones soul mate^[1177] – נפש תאומה as would be offered according to Rabbi Meir Baal HaNess.^[1178]

This prayer is efficacious. And why is the house and field mentioned afterwards? This is to teach us that after a man marries, the (root) soul of his wife will determine his wealth. This can work in two ways. A wife can increase a man’s wealth through wise investment or decrease it by being a spendthrift – פזרן or diminishing his investment prowess. The way a husband treats his wife will also influence these matters.

Psalms that are efficacious are discussed in 13.2.2 Marriage Psalms on p.407. Talmud Tractate Kiddushin (Holiness – commandments on marriage) is beneficial for finding a wife while Beitzim (Eggs – commandments on holidays) is beneficial for having children.

Hashem sends each of us the partner (zivug) of the ‘Fundamental Soul’ when we are quite young, age 18-25.^[1179] If the match should fail than there are secondary arrangements for those lost souls needing to be paired up. The Ribono Shalom orchestrates these, but there is a catch, Hashem never tells anyone who his or her soul mate is at the time one meets the person! This is always a matter of free choice! There is a good reason that it is never revealed, because we must show a faith to marry the right partner, not unlike our faith in G-d. Sometimes even the yetzer hara – bad inclination, or a satan – an adversary, will tell a person that their soul mate is not such and such to harden their heart so that they must prove their faith further. Years later, one may recognize that one had a soul mate opportunity.

Nevertheless, one should not marry on faith but on facts. The key is that when the facts are good, then one should have faith that Hashem will bless the marriage. Good facts could be different for different people. Overall, when two people can talk and listen, and they are attracted to each other and they value the same goals, and respect each other’s interests, and would be capable of having children together, and they are of the same faith and similar family background that helps. The Talmud says a very tall person should marry a short person, so some opposite qualities are ok too, but an old man should not marry a young lass (40 yrs apart). Yet, I have come to realize that we often cannot recognize a zivug until that person is lost; this is part of the test of faith.

I wish to explain why Hashem’s justice does not punish a failed Zivug with indefinite reincarnation until one eventually marries his or her Zivug. The concept of Gigal - transmigration of the soul and Zivugim are not so easily interrelated.  Each person consists of a multiplicity of souls.  The purpose, similar to Klal Israel, is that different souls help each grow in a unique way when they are bound together in one body.

 

Hence the Zivug potential of an age ~18-25 male and a ~16-23 female would be that of the 'Fundamental Soul'.  If this match should fail, one might even attain a higher Zivug; for example, that of the 'Lofty Soul' or that of the 'Extra Good Soul' and experience an even greater bliss in life if one should marry. Of course, degradation in behavior could lead to the converse.^[1180]

All of this depends on ones merits.  If a Zivug of the Fundamental Soul fails, and both marry other souls, but live very Righteous lives—they may not need to be reborn, but instead can merit Olam Habah and even be True Soul mates in a world of resurrection.

A wise woman taught me that when we are in the womb, G-d kisses a place between the nose and lips and we forget everything that we are taught about our coming life, but the talents that G-d has given us are meant to be used even if they help us remember what we have forgotten. This woman learned to ‘break her shell’ and see herself as a free soul completely naked in the world and clean. She could see the motion of the wind.^[1181] She taught me that Koach – כוח is 34 in gematria that is Lamed Dalet whose opposite is DaL (dull). Most of all she taught me to daven with a higher goal. Making agreements with Hashem increases the likelihood of fruition. She told me a man must seek his Zivug because he has a mitzvah to fulfill. She said that we must learn to keep our word as truth.^[1182] She said that Hava tricked Adam, but that this breakup was necessary for them to come closer together. She said she hears in the kitchen^[1183] that with every Zivug there is a breakup that binds them.

The secret of Adam’s sin and the expulsion from the Garden of Eden is actually the reformation of the Zivug of Adam Kadmon and Hashem. As in Shir haShirim, the Shechinah is drawn back to Hashem, the lovers reunite though they were parted. So it is with primordial man of which all of our souls consist, that we are broken up so that we can become a Zivug again. “There is a strawberry floating on a cake and if we only want the strawberry, we cannot have the cake.” The cake is the mitzvot and marriage in this world, but with the cake comes the icing and the strawberry. Kabbalah is the icing, but we only need the cake.

One may meditate on the sefirot by manifesting them, for to live the quality of a sefira is to do mitzvot, a worthy endeavor. 

The chance of natural pregnancy going to fruition can be approximated in the table below. These represent the chances for someone trying to have a child and who has had a child before. The numbers are lower for attempting a first child:

The average age of last birth for a woman attempting natural pregnancy is 40.9 yrs.^[1184] With ART, the possible age is about the same.^[1185]

Those figures are for conception, not for the birth of a healthy baby. According to the March of Dimes, "about 9 percent of recognized pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39, and more than 50 percent by age 42."

For a man who has the commandment to be fruitful and multiply, the woman he marries would have fertile eggs. Yet, there is also the principle of companionship as a basis for marriage. The fertility of eggs can be seen in Figure 1[1188].¹¹⁸⁸ The chart assumes an ideal selection of eggs before transferring. In addition, miscarriage rate increases with age although this can also be related to chromosomal damage in the egg preventing its development from going to fruition.

The most common reason for infertile eggs is chromosomal damage. Ironically, miscarriages weed most of these problems out except for Down’s syndrome. Nevertheless, it is not illogical to posit that some subtle damage might exist contributing to a genetic illness that is not hereditary, based on these odds:^[1189]

The increase in chromosomal abnormality coincides with phenotypical changes with age. These include the graying of hair, wrinkling of skin, and age related loss of hair in men. Age is a product of chromosomal damage. Antioxidants will slow the rate of this change such as glutathione (GSH) and Vitamin E and Selenium.

The following summary shows the chance of having a successful birth with multiple selected embryos implanted vs. a single embryo implanted:^[1191] Yet, the higher incidence of illness in twin situations makes this approach undesirable.

Age <21, Pregnancy rate 41.7%, Live birth rate 37.5%, Singleton live birth rate 20.8%

Age 21, Pregnancy rate 38.2%, Live birth rate 32.7%, Singleton live birth rate 23.6%

Age 22, Pregnancy rate 35.2%, Live birth rate 32.0%, Singleton live birth rate 18.8%

Age 23, Pregnancy rate 40.7%, Live birth rate 35.7%, Singleton live birth rate 24.1%

Age 24, Pregnancy rate 41.4%, Live birth rate 35.5%, Singleton live birth rate 20.8%

Age 25, Pregnancy rate 44.4%, Live birth rate 39.5%, Singleton live birth rate 23.3%

Age 26, Pregnancy rate 43.6%, Live birth rate 38.5%, Singleton live birth rate 23.7%

Age 27, Pregnancy rate 45.2%, Live birth rate 39.8%, Singleton live birth rate 24.8%

Age 28, Pregnancy rate 44.4%, Live birth rate 39.1%, Singleton live birth rate 24.7%

Age 29, Pregnancy rate 43.1%, Live birth rate 37.9%, Singleton live birth rate 23.1%

Age 30, Pregnancy rate 44.5%, Live birth rate 38.6%, Singleton live birth rate 24.1%

Age 31, Pregnancy rate 43.9%, Live birth rate 38.2%, Singleton live birth rate 25.0%

Age 32, Pregnancy rate 42.2%, Live birth rate 36.6%, Singleton live birth rate 23.6%

Age 33, Pregnancy rate 40.6%, Live birth rate 34.8%, Singleton live birth rate 22.5%

Age 34, Pregnancy rate 40.8%, Live birth rate 34.8%, Singleton live birth rate 22.9%

Age 35, Pregnancy rate 38.2%, Live birth rate 32.2%, Singleton live birth rate 21.5%

Age 36, Pregnancy rate 35.3%, Live birth rate 29.1%, Singleton live birth rate 19.8%

Age 38, Pregnancy rate 29.9%, Live birth rate 23.2%, Singleton live birth rate 17.0%

Age 39, Pregnancy rate 26.2%, Live birth rate 19.0%, Singleton live birth rate 14.5%

Age 40, Pregnancy rate 23.0%, Live birth rate 16.1%, Singleton live birth rate 12.3%

Age 41, Pregnancy rate 19.2%, Live birth rate 12.5%, Singleton live birth rate 10.2%

Age 42, Pregnancy rate 14.8%, Live birth rate 8.4%, Singleton live birth rate 7.2%

Age 43, Pregnancy rate 10.8%, Live birth rate 5.5%, Singleton live birth rate 5.1%

Age 44, Pregnancy rate 7.4%, Live birth rate 3.3%, Singleton live birth rate 3.0%

Age 45, Pregnancy rate 4.3%, Live birth rate 1.2%, Singleton live birth rate 1.2%

Age 46, Pregnancy rate 2.6%, Live birth rate 0%, Singleton live birth rate 0%

Age 47, Pregnancy rate 3.3%, Live birth rate 0%, Singleton live birth rate 0%

Age 48, Pregnancy rate 2.6%, Live birth rate 0%, Singleton live birth rate 0%

Age >48, Pregnancy rate 5.6%, Live birth rate 2.8%, Singleton live birth rate 0%

The advantageous times for trying to create a pregnancy are as follows:

Sperm can survive for five days in the female reproductive track, although two days is more common. An egg is viable for 12 to 24 hours. The probability of conception is cumulative so an 85% chance can be achieved.^[1192]

Based on keeping the laws of Taharas Hasmishpacha, the fertility cycle works out as follows:

Pregnancy testing works 6-10 days after ovulation.^[1201] Progesterone production continues and is the main contributor to pregnancy symptoms.^[1202]

The luteal phase of the menstrual cycle follows ovulation. This two-week period is called the luteal phase because of the dominant role played by the corpus luteum, which is nothing other than the collapsed follicle from which the egg issued forth. The corpus luteum pumps out the hormone progesterone which "heats up" the body and womb in preparation for pregnancy. After the ovarian follicle releases its ovum – egg, the surrounding cells in the ovary form the corpus luteum, which can be a few centimeters in size, much larger than the egg. If pregnancy does not occur, the cells of the corpus luteum get reincorporated into the ovary.

The following formulas may enact a marriage, thus requiring a Get – divorce document, if the man says it with intention and the woman receives an item with understanding. Consequently, the observant orthodox, avoid the custom of giving an engagement ring which may invoke a marriage. In addition, gifts color judgment and when selecting a spouse, one ought to decide based on unbiased reason. Similarly a judge is prohibited from accepting gifts. A wise man will not receive gifts from a woman before marriage and a wise woman will not accept an article gift – מתנה, before marriage. Deeds of loving-kindness such as prepared food do not count and entertainment is not included.

Like a wave that breaks along the warm sand of the beach and knows why it has traveled thousands of miles.

Intermarriage is prohibited with seven nations as described below. The principle is that one does not intermarry with indigenous people in a new land, but one seeks to marry one of his own people. The interesting verse is 7:4 where the word turn is in 3^rd person male but the pronoun is implied; yet the object is “your son” and not “grandson” as Rashi brings, but the Talmud source is compelling. The intention of the Tanach is that the non-Jewish woman will turn away a man from the Torah. Yet, the non-Jewish man would not have the same effect on a Jewish woman and that is why the same explanation is not offered for verse 7:3.

1. When the Lord your God shall bring you into the land which you are entering to possess, and has cast out many nations before you, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than you;

2. And when the Lord your God shall deliver them before you; you shall strike them, and completely destroy them; you shall make no covenant with them, nor show mercy to them;

3. And you shall not make marriages with them; your daughter you shall not give to his son, nor his daughter shall you take to your son.

4. For (he) will turn away your son from following me, that they may serve other gods; so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy you speedily.

For he will turn away your son from following Me i.e., the heathen’s son, if he marries your daughter, will turn away your [grand]son whom your daughter will bear to him, from following Me. This teaches us that your daughter’s son, born of a heathen man, is called “your son,” but your son’s son, born of a heathen woman, is not called “your son,” but “her son.” For Scripture [first says, “Do not give your daughter to his son, and do not take his daughter for your son.” Then it follows with “For he will turn away your son....” However], referring to “do not take his daughter,” it does not say, “For she will turn away your son...” [because he is considered her son, not yours (Kid. 68b)].

AND WHATEVER [WOMAN] WHO CANNOT CONTRACT KIDDUSHIN etc. How do we know [it of] a Canaanitish bondmaid? (Kiddushin is invalid) — Said R. Huna, Scripture saith, Abide ye here with [‘im] the ass (Gen 22:5) — it is a people [‘am] like unto an ass. We have thus found that kiddushin with her is invalid: how do we know that the issue takes her status? — Because Scripture saith, the wife and her children shall be her master's.1 How do we know [it of a freeborn] Gentile woman? — Scripture saith, neither shalt thou make marriages with them.2 How do we know that her issue bears her status? — R. Johanan said on the authority of R. Simeon b. Yohai, Because Scripture saith, For he will turn away thy son from following me:3 thy son by4 an Israelite woman is called thy son, but thy son by a heathen is not called thy son.5 Rabina said: This proves that thy daughter's son by a heathen is called thy son.6 Shall we say that Rabina holds that if a heathen or a [non-Jewish] slave cohabits with a Jewess the issue is mamzer?7 — [No.] Granted that he is not [regarded as] fit,8 he is not mamzer either, but merely stigmatised as unfit.9

Now, that [verse] refers to the seven nations!10 whence do we know it of other nations? — Scripture saith, ‘For he will turn away [thy son],’ which includes all who may turn [him] away. That is well according to R. Simeon, who interprets the reason of Scripture.11 But on the view of the Rabbis,12 what is the reason?13 — Scripture saith, and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, [etc.],14 whence it follows that before that kiddushin with her is invalid.

We have thus found that kiddushin with her is not recognized. How do we know that her child is as herself? — Scripture saith, If there be to a man [two wives] . . . and they bare to him [children]:15 where we read ‘if there be’,16 we also read: ‘and they bare to him’;17 but where we do not read: ‘If there be’, we do not read: ‘and they bare to him’. If so, is not a [heathen] bondmaid likewise? — Yes, it is even thus. Then what is the purpose of ‘the wife and her children shall be her master's’? — For what was taught: If he says to his bondmaid, ‘Behold, thou art free, but thy child [yet to be born] shall be a slave,’ the ‘child is as herself: this is the view of R. Jose the Galilean; the Sages maintain: His words are valid,1 for it is said: ‘the wife and her children shall be her master's’. How does this teach it?2 — Said Raba: This refers to R. Jose the Galilean's [ruling].3

5. But thus shall you deal with them; you shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their Asherim, and burn their carved idols with fire.

6. For you are a holy people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a special people to Himself, above all peoples that are upon the face of the earth.

7. The Lord did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because you were more in number than any people; for you were the fewest of all peoples;

8. But because the Lord loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn to your fathers, has the Lord brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you out of the house of slaves, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

9. Know therefore that the Lord your God, he is God, the faithful God, which keeps covenant and mercy with those who love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations;

10. And repays those who hate him to their face, to destroy them; he will not be slack to him who hates him, he will repay him to his face.

11. You shall therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command you this day, to do them.

12. Therefore it shall come to pass, if you give heed to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the Lord your God shall keep with you the covenant and the mercy which he swore to your fathers;

13. And he will love you, and bless you, and multiply you; he will also bless the fruit of your womb, and the fruit of your land, your grain, and your wine, and your oil, the produce of your cows, and the flocks of your sheep, in the land which he swore to your fathers to give you.

14. You shall be blessed above all people; there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

15. And the Lord will take away from you all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which you know, upon you; but will lay them upon all those who hate you.

16. And you shall destroy all the people which the Lord your God shall deliver you; your eye shall have no pity upon them; neither shall you serve their gods; for that will be a snare to you.

17. If you shall say in your heart, These nations are more than I; how can I dispossess them?

18. You shall not be afraid of them; but shall well remember what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh, and to all Egypt;

19. The great trials which your eyes saw, and the signs, and the wonders, and the mighty hand, and the stretched out arm, whereby the Lord your God brought you out; so shall the Lord your God do to all the people of whom you are afraid.

20. Moreover the Lord your God will send the hornet among them, until those who are left, and hide themselves from you, are destroyed.

21. You shall not be frightened by them; for the Lord your God is among you, a mighty God and awesome.

22. And the Lord your God will clear away those nations before you, little by little; you may not destroy them at once, lest the beasts of the field grow numerous upon you.

23. But the Lord your God shall deliver them to you, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they are destroyed.

24. And he shall deliver their kings into your hand, and you shall destroy their name from under heaven; there shall no man be able to stand before you, until you have destroyed them.

25. The engraved images of their gods shall you burn with fire; you shall not desire the silver or gold that is on them, nor take it to you, lest you be snared there; for it is an abomination to the Lord your God.

26. Neither shall you bring an abomination into your house, lest you become accursed like it; but you shall utterly detest it, and loathe it; for it is a cursed thing.

Moses when he was in exile selected Ziporah who was the daughter of a Midian Priest to be his wife and join his people. He suffered the criticism of Miriam and Aaron to some extent for not taking a daughter of Israel for a wife; but God did not criticize him and moreover he remained the greatest prophet until the end of his days with Ziporah. This is to teach us that more important is the spiritual quality and encouragement that a wife offers to preserve the spiritual greatness of a man. While on Mount Sinai God informed Moses of the sin of the golden calf made by the people and how He wished to destroy them and build a new nation from Moses’s own children. Moses’s own children although of a mixed race were worthy of replacing the whole house of Israel! Moses replied, ‘remove my name from the Torah rather than remove the House of Israel’ and God was placated. One other story of Ziporah occurs when Moses’s child was born and had not yet been circumcised. Moses became sick for delaying this commandment. When Ziporah saw, she took a flint and circumcised her own son proclaiming to her husband, “you have become a bridegroom of blood to me.” That is to say, ‘you are my covenant husband’ or bound to me by my observance of the commandments of G-d. Ziporah was a righteous woman who brought Moses further merit. One of his sons he named Gershom for he was a ‘stranger there’ and the other Eliezer – my G-d helps.

A similar story involves Joseph who married Potipher’s daughter in Egypt and had two sons that were adopted by Jacob and each given a portion in Israel. The sons of Joseph were Ephraim and Manesseh.

‘Jewish marriage is a soul connection, a reunion of two halves of one person. When this soul is born it is divided into two bodies and each develops by itself until it marries. If a man and woman merit, G-d dwells amongst them from Ish and Ishah. “It is obvious that a Jew and a non-Jew who have two different souls cannot be compatible”.’^[1203] As long as neither one of them expresses her nature, they may appear compatible. There is a compatibility of their non-Jewishness. As soon as one partner wishes to express his identity, the other person would be left behind. Do not judge things by what things are like now. The soul of a Jew and a non-Jew are not the same. In Hashomer Hatzair, there are non-Jews too that feel Jewish too. If you have non-Jews in your youth group and the non-Jews feel comfortable then the Jewishness is diluted. What is a Jew? A Jew has a Neshama (a Jewish soul) that is why he has different values.

What is the particular characteristic of the Jewish soul? It cannot want to be disconnected to G-d. The connection is there. This is something you cannot change. There is a basic incompatibility with someone who strives to be something and someone who strives to be nothing (Jew). This is why a Jew is not obsessed by luxury, decoration, or materialism, but instead seeks instead to be a messenger of G-d. We choose not to sacrifice our internal identity to satisfy our external identity. Children should never be forced to choose between the God of their father and the God of their mother, because if forced—they will throw both out the window. This is why the children of intermarriage do not have an interest in religion. Often this is the case even if there is consensus between parents, because children see through insincere capitulation. A non-Jewish spouse, who says he/she will follow her spouse, may not have sincere interest in following and children will see this and become irreligious.

Take into consideration the future children. If the child belongs to one nation that is different than the father, it can be torture for the child. The ping-pong ball that the child goes though can be like hell. Why should a Jewish father impose upon his children an identity that is not theirs? The fundamental reason not to intermarry is that G-d doesn’t want it—the Torah forbids it. Yet, someone who has a Jewish father (m’zerut Israel – from a seed of Israel), one should seek to convert.’^[1204]

Jewish identity is obtained by immersion in the community of Israel.^[1205] Here conversion is part of absorption in the culture, which is the biblical basis for True Jewish conversion. As Ruth followed Naomi to dwell with her people she became part of the people. Jethro brought Moses’s wife and two children out to him and in so doing brought them into the nation of Israel. Joseph’s sons were brought into the household of Jacob.

No rabbinical act is of more far-reaching consequence than a conversion to Judaism. It crucially determines for all time the convert’s personal status, marital rights and restrictions as well as religious allegiance, and in the case of a female, affects her offspring for all generations to come.
If a pledge of unqualified loyalty to Judaism is subsequently betrayed, the result is disastrous, not least for the rabbi involved, should he have been guilty of an error of judgment in authorizing a conversion on insufficient evidence of sincerity. In that event, he is bound to feel some personal responsibility and liability for every violation of Jewish law the convert may commit. For only through his act in conferring Jewish status on the former gentile, do actions like working on the Sabbath or consuming non-kosher food become grave breaches of the law. Little wonder that many conscientious rabbis, under the weight of this crushing responsibility, contemplate conversions with extreme, sometimes perhaps excessive, hesitation.
The conditions for admission to Judaism are simple enough in definition. A properly qualified rabbinical court must be satisfied that the candidate is genuinely willing and able to accept the religious discipline of Jewish life without reservation, whereupon the formal act of conversion is carried out by ritual immersion and, in the case of a male, circumcision (which, if previously performed, is religiously validated by drawing a single drop of blood as a “sign of the Covenant”). Conversion under these conditions is open to any person, irrespective of race, color, or previous creed. A person so converted then has all the rights and obligations vested in any other Jew.
Strictly speaking, the actual conversion from any faith (or none) to Judaism is, of course, carried out by the proselyte himself. The rabbinic authority, in effect, merely serves to authenticate the change, like a hallmark confirming the genuineness of a precious metal.
More than a declaration of intent is required to effect a total religious commitment which is to endure for a lifetime, through children, and beyond. This commitment is brought about by radical changes inside the person’s heart, determining all future loyalties, thinking, feelings, and actions. The mold of his very personality, is, in many respects, even more binding and incisive than the commitment involved in the bond of marriage or in the adoption of a child.
A conversion, in the Jewish view, is the most delicate heart operation to which a person could ever submit, and the onus rests on the applicant to prove adequate preparation for such an operation. Some may complete the requisite preparation combining intensive study and environmental experience in a matter of months; others, lacking determination or opportunity, may never be ready, even after years of fruitless effort. How long this process takes is determined by the candidate, not the rabbi.
The ultimate test is certainly not the applicant’s love for a Jewish person he or she seeks to marry. On the contrary, such an ulterior motive will militate against accepting the application. The criterion is the love of Judaism, generated by such thorough familiarity and fascination with the Jewish way of life as to render all sacrifices, obstacles, and delays worthwhile. Only if this love of Judaism, in theory and practice, transcends any other love and loyalty are the conditions for admission truly fulfilled.
But why are these conditions so rigid and demanding? Almost every applicant (and many a Jew) questions their justice with a seemingly plausible argument: why should so much more be expected of a convert than most Jews are prepared to do for their Judaism? Why should converts be more punctilious in their religious observance than the majority of Jews?
To begin with, we have no special interest in swelling our number by conversions. As a “holy people” charged with onerous tasks of spiritual pioneering, numbers are relatively immaterial to the success of our national mission. True “proselytes of righteousness” are welcome, but converts of questionable loyalty attenuate rather than consolidate our strength.
It is not difficult to adduce historical proof for this contention. Throughout the Middle Ages, it is estimated, the total number of Jews hardly exceeded one million. They were exposed to constant oppression, many economic disabilities, and frequent massacres. Yet no Jew then ever worried about Jewish survival. It was left to the twentieth century, when we count thirteen million Jews, most of them living in unprecedented freedom and affluence, to raise the specter of “the vanishing Jew” for the first time in Jewish history. Our survival surely does not depend on numbers, but solely on the intensity of our Jewish commitment!
Moreover, a conversion is a religious naturalization. Even for a civil naturalization - though affecting infinitely less significantly the innermost beliefs, the whole personality, and the daily routine of life of the applicant - certain rigid requirements are universally accepted. For the granting of citizenship, countries usually require a period of at least two years, fluency in the vernacular, and certainly ready submission to all the laws of the land. No one questions these demands. Any alien declaring his readiness to observe all the country’s laws except one would be refused his naturalization. It would not help him to argue that there are many native citizens who also sometimes transgress one regulation or another. In these matters, it is all or nothing.
Yet when would-be converts are told that it may take two years or more to assimilate the requisite knowledge and atmosphere (which even born Jews must cultivate through years of Jewish education, plus living in a Jewish environment from birth), that they are expected to have some familiarity with Hebrew, and that they must undertake to observe all the laws of Judaism, they argue, often amid a chorus of popular Jewish applause, “Why should we have to meet requirements which so many Jews fall short of?”
It would be of little avail to an applicant for British citizenship to resort to a similar argument. The incontestable answer would be that anyone born of British parents - whether good, bad, or indifferent, whether he knows English and abides by the law or not - is British. Even a criminal’s citizenship cannot be disowned. But if a foreigner wants to become British, every effort may and must be made to ensure that he will prove a law-abiding citizen, an asset and not a liability.
Likewise, parents must accept their natural children, healthy or crippled, upright or delinquent. But in adopting a child, they are free to choose, and are entitled to take all reasonable precautions to make sure that the child will be a source of pride and joy to them. Surely the arguments in favor of similar safeguards in admitting persons to the Jewish faith and people are no less compelling or convincing.
Within these general principles, there is of course a degree of variation. Since the assessment of a candidate’s sincerity and the adequacy of his preparation is subject to a human estimation, there is bound to be a subjective factor in any such judgment. One rabbi may be more credulous, another more suspicious, in accepting a declaration of submission to Judaism.
Moreover, the law itself is flexible enough to allow for some variety of interpretation, notably on the extent to which unknown mental reservations at the time of the conversion act may be discounted. Diverse local conditions, too, may have an important bearing on the decision to admit proselytes.
In Israel, for instance, where all converts will - at least in great measure - live in a Jewish environment, learn Hebrew, send their children to Jewish schools, and observe the Jewish calendar, and where there is hardly any opportunity of becoming integrated into non-Jewish society, it is obviously far easier to accept converts (and harder to reject them) than in the Diaspora, where these conditions do not prevail. In the light of these variables, the attitude toward conversion may differ somewhat even among strictly Orthodox rabbinates.
Naturally, the circumstances prompting an application will invariably be taken into account. A woman who wants to become Jewish because she has fallen in love with a Jew, seeking to change her religion almost like one changes a passport on being married, will find far less sympathy than parents who wish to convert an adopted non-Jewish child because they could find no Jewish child.
But these are clearly exceptions. As a rule, it will be found that anyone prepared to change his religion neither had a deep religious allegiance before the change nor will have one after the change. Those who can be, and are, admitted to Judaism indeed turn out to be rather exceptional people. They represent a microcosm of the Jewish people itself, the few among the many, individuals endowed with a profoundly religious soul, with the capacity to swim against the stream and to spurn the line of least resistance, and with the immense hardihood to sustain a stern discipline of life.
True proselytes live up to the qualifications so concisely expressed by the most famous of them all, Ruth the Moabitess, who pledged: “Where you go, I will go; and where you lodge for the night, I will lodge.” - sharing the misfortunes as well as the fortunes of the Jewish people, the experience of darkness in sympathy with Jews who suffer, no less than the bright joys of their triumphs: “Your people will be my people” - identifying with Jewish national aspirations and joining the togetherness of Jews whoever and wherever they are: “And your God will be my God” - serving as witness to Jewry’s religious commitment: “Where you die, I will die, and there shall I be buried” (Ruth 1:16-17) - defending Jewish beliefs and practices even to the grave.
Anyone prepared to follow Ruth’s example of total loyalty will be accepted into the Jewish faith with open arms. But in the absence of such candidates, we should occupy ourselves with the challenge of converting should-be Jews, rather than would-be Jews, to Judaism.


“Your God will be my God” that is appreciation to God and the jewelry He bestows—the Torah, witnesses that a Ger Tzedek – a righteous convert places God in her life between herself and her husband. A better translation here is a ‘true proselyte’ that is one who fully turns her heart to the Torah, God, and Israel.^[1206]

In marriage a husband is required to provide his wife with food, clothing, and conjugal rights. That is a husband must make himself available to his wife whenever she desires him. Tamar was the daughter in law of Judah. Two of Judah sons had been married to her and had died and Judah did not give her to his third son. One month Tamar prepared a tent at a crossroads and Judah came into her thinking her a prostitute. He left with her his insignia for a safe keep until payment. Later when Tamar became pregnant, Judah learned the story and realized she was more righteous than him. For the commandment of conjugal rights cannot be denied. A husband does not have conjugal rights, however.

There is a prohibition against looking at copulating animals. The reason is that there is a modesty that should be kept even for the sake of animals. Copulation resembles the divine image and one is prohibited from gazing thereon.

We must know that the illumination of our children stems from the blessings we recite that draw forth souls from heaven.^[1207]

This is what our Sages teach (Nedarim 81a): “Why do Torah scholars not have sons who are Torah scholars? Because they [the fathers] did not first recite the blessing over the Torah.”²⁵ Every person, and especially the Torah scholar, must bless and illuminate, through his Torah study, into the root of the souls—namely, the “first^[1208] in thought.” For that is where our source is.²⁶

Therefore when a person brings a radiance and blessing into the first/beginning of thought,^[1209] and through this the souls shine and are blessed, then when he draws down a soul for his son, he certainly draws a pure and clear soul. Thus his son will also be a Torah Scholar.²⁷

However, when he does not radiate and bless the first/beginning through his study of Torah, then, when he draws a soul for his son, this soul has the quality of “I am asleep” (Song of Songs 5:2).²⁸ It does not shine. This is why his son will not be a Torah scholar. And this is the meaning of, “Because they did not first recite the blessing over the Torah;” [“first”] alluding to the source of the souls and corresponding to “Israel arose first in thought.”

²⁵. did not first recite the blessing.... The Talmud (ad. Loc.) asks: How can it be that a Torah scholar’s son not develop into a scholar? It answers: This happens because, before studying, the Torah scholar himself did not first recite the daily Torah blessings, thanking God for the Torah. The commentaries explain that they studied Torah as a wisdom, not as the word of God through which man can come closer to Him and know His ways.

²⁶. first in thought...source is. Rebbe Nachman explains the above Talmudic passage this way: The scholars did not bless “the first,” they did not look to awaken the beginning of the Torah—its source in Divine thought. They failed to illuminate the source so that it did not shine brightly from the start. Thus, the first/the beginning was not proper. As a result, their children do not become scholars. Because they did not awaken the source from where the soul of their offspring was drawn, it came down darkened, unlit and thus unable on their own to radiate in Torah.

The Mai HaNachal adds that reciting the blessings over the Torah, that is, thanking God for the Torah and praising Him for it, affords one’s Torah study this very power to bless and illuminate its beginning, its source. It is therefore interesting to note that the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 47:1) states: “One must be extremely vigilant in reciting the Torah Blessings.” Such a stringent tone regarding the reciting of a blessing has no parallel anywhere else in the Codes. Yet, with what Rebbe Nachman has just explained the need to this vigilance is quite understandable.

We find in the Torah Blessings the words, “He has chosen us from all the nations and given us His Torah...” The Mabuey HaNachal explains that this alludes to faith in God and the Torah. We trust that God has chosen and prepared our souls to be at the source—God’s thought, and we believe that the Torah has the power to awaken our souls and direct us to repent. In this sense, the Torah is unique. No wisdom, no matter how deeply it is studied, has the power to inspire or connect to man’s upper soul. The Mabuey HaNachal also mentions that this blessing and illuminating of the source through one’s Torah study is in essence the concept of lishmah, the studying of Torah for its own sake (cf. Lesson #12, nn. 5, 9).

²⁷. his son...scholar. This is because he illuminated this particular soul at its source.

Elsewhere, Rebbe Nachman explains this in greater detail. He mentions that everything a person does influences and has a part in the “beginning” and affects the source. Thus, for example, “when a child is conceived, his conception is affected by the food previously eaten by his parents. They must sanctify and bless this beginning, namely the things that precede conception, such as eating.” Thus, a person who is careful about everything he does in the “beginning” assures a radiant and clear soul for his child. This is because he is careful that all the “beginnings” were as proper and as pure as possible (Rabbi Nachman’s Wisdom #132).

²⁸. asleep. This is in contrast to the aroused and awakened soul, mentioned above. By not blessing the first/the beginning, the soul drawn into this world is asleep. It does not shine wand will have great difficulty becoming a scholar.

^[1177] Hebrew literally means ‘twin soul’
^[1178] http://www.yarzheit.com/heavensregister/soulmate.htm, http://www.yarzheit.com/heavensregister/rebmeirbaalhaness.htm
^[1179] See Figure 19-1: The Multiplicity of the Soul in One Individual
^[1180] See 19.3 Reincarnation
^[1181] Alludes to seeing the shofar and hearing the fire on Mt. Sinai
^[1182] www.landmarkeducation.com
^[1183] From the understanding of orthodox women
^[1184] Tietze C. Reproductive span and rate of reproduction among Hutterite women. Fertil Steril 1957;8:89 –97.
^[1185] http://www.karandeivf.com/Over40.pdf One last chance for pregnancy: a review of 2,705 in vitro fertilization cycles initiated in women age 40 years and above: Sigal Klipstein, M.D., Meredith Regan, Sc.D., David A. Ryley, M.D., Marlene B. Goldman, Sc.D., Michael M. Alper, M.D., and Richard H. Reindollar, M.D.
^[1186] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fertility
^[1187] http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20040618/fertility-treatment-less-successful-after-35 Leridon, H. Human Reproduction, June 17, 2004: vol 19, pp 1549-1554. George Attia, MD, director, In Vitro Fertilization program, University of Miami School of Medicine. Tarum Jain, MD, instructor of reproductive endocrinology, Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital and Harvard Medical School.
^[1188] http://novaivf.com/index.php?page=age
^[1189] http://novaivf.com/index.php?page=age
^[1190] http://www.carilion.com/kbase/htm/hw22/7379/hw227379.htm
^[1191] 2004 Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) Report: http://www.cdc.gov/ART/ART2004/sect2_fig5-15.htm#12
^[1192] http://www.americanpregnancy.org/gettingpregnant/PEovwatch.htm
^[1193] http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/fam.htm
^[1194] Basal Body Temperature increases due to progesterone being released after ovulation.
^[1195] Increases levels of progesterone, maintaining the uterine wall and preventing menstruation.
^[1196] Appetite, fatigue, fever, nausea, and swollen breasts
^[1197] http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/fam.htm
^[1198] Basal Body Temperature increases due to progesterone being released after ovulation.
^[1199] Increases levels of progesterone, maintaining the uterine wall and preventing menstruation.
^[1200] Appetite, fatigue, fever, nausea, and swollen breasts
^[1201] http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/lutealphase.html
^[1202] http://www.paternityangel.com/Articles_zone/Hormones/Hormones2.htm
^[1203] Rabbi Shem Tov.
^[1204] http://www.talkingaboutintermarriage.com/
^[1205] Mikvah symbolism
^[1206] Metsudah Siddur, p.120
^[1207] Likutey Moharan, Volume 1B, Rebbi Nachman of Breslov, trans. and edited by Moshe Mykoff, annotated by Chaim Kramer, pp.301-303
^[1208] That is to remember G-d.
^[1209] Ibid.

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